Four days to go

- It's been three days now since my brother has has started saying 'I'll miss you.' He doesn't say it in a tear provoking way, but rather smilingly with a push, a hit, a pinch, a spank, or even a kick. He would keep asking why on earth I was chosen for a grant worth a fortune and what good the committee saw in me although I'm a good-for-nothing-else nerd. I had to disagree with him and tried to convince him with my other perosnal merits, saying that at least he should be grateful I exist because I was the reason why he was exempted from the army service (which he didn't want to do). He responded to this by carrying me in a way I couldn't move at all.

- I've been trying to focus on things I need to keep in mind. A bit overwhelming, but I believe things will be OK and I won't forget too many crucial things, such as taking my ticket.

- I went through my CD's. Wow.. years fly by. I found photos of my cousins and I two years ago. All feels like yesterday.

- I received an e-mail from an ex-student/friend who offered to meet me at the airport. She's saving my life but she doesn't know it, I guess.

- I took a nap this afternoon. When I woke up, boys from my street had hung Ramadan decorations: shiny strips of paper tied to long strong thread and hanging like zigzags between balconies. Only an hour ago, they turned on the 23 lamps (my mom's count) hanging in the middle of the street. It took my breath away. I have many special memories in Ramadan, whether good or bad, they're all special to me and have meanings.

- I'm starting to have butterflies in my stomach, but still know things are going to be alright.

- Reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. Interesting book and easy read. I could relate to her in many things but hope I won't have to spend a year travelling to four different countries in order to find my soul and get in touch with God. I hope I could do that traveling inside my room in New York City or in the eyes and faces of people I'll meet.

Six days to go

- Yesterday? Hmm , what about yesterday.. oh, yeah. I was planning to meet a friend of mine (meeting her today). My mom wanted to see her niece, who is actually only a few years younger than her (rather long to explain) and who lives in another city.
I wanted to actually just be a chauffeur to my parents but you know how difficult it is to say 'No, I don't want to come along' to your mother, especially if you're leaving in less than a week.

I parked the car and went in for around forty-five minutes. There was my cousin and her cousin, my uncle, my parents and myself. My cousin has a daughter my age which makes it obligatory not to use her first name without 'auntie'. Anyways, that's not the issue actually. She is 'pious' and defines herself as someone 'who knows God very well'! That means she's someone who prays on time, goes to small pilgrimage often, wakes up before dawn to catch the morning prayer, and read Quran often. I have to admit I've developed that habit of waiting to see if those who claim to be 'pious' will practice what they preach.

Thirty-five out of the forty-five-minute visit rotated around the husband of my deceased cousin, this cousin's sister. Without going into too much details, it was all backbiting this guy who was not there to defend himself.
In the car..
'Listen, mom. Are you happy about backbiting this guy? So she'd wake up by dawn and pray because 'she knows God well.' This is hypocrisy. It says in Quran we have to pray and I think in the same book it says backbiting is like eating the flesh of your brother and sister. If she's going to do this, there's no need bragging about how well she keeps her prayers.'
'Well, I think you're right. I ask God for forgiveness.'
'Well, I think you actually should. And please tell 'Auntie S to do the same.'

I went home and felt angry with myself for not stepping in to defend the guy and tell them all to shut up.

- Today I spent the morning running errands with my brother. It was a fun morning with him feeling 'high' without taking any drugs. I changed money into dollars and issued traveller's checks. It was amazing to see and hear the employees at American Express talk, joke and call each other names as if I was not a customer standing there. Well, professionalism is nothing but ironed shirts and matching ties.

- In the afternoon, I went to see my friend Yasmine. We've got closer lately although we don't meet up often. She's always been dear to my heart, though. I felt she sincerely cared for me and was excited for my coming up journey.
'I never thought about the veil issue since last time we talked about it,' she said. 'But you crossed my mind the other day when I say my veiled cousin wearing a veil that showed her hair and a pair of trousers that showed most of her calf. To me, at least you're someone who's true to herself rather than putting a piece of cloth on your head when you don't want to.'

- I arrived home and thought about passing by my neighbour to tell her I was travelling soon. I knew she'd be sad to see me leave. I've spent most of my childhood with her two daughter. She didn't look happy so I decided to tell her later. She was cleaning her apartment and looked really tired. There was no one there to help her.
'You know, girl, when I was young, no one gave me good advice. I'm telling you now. Don't have too many kids. One is like two like three like a hundred. You keep carrying their burden till the day you die and no one will actually come and help. Now I thought I'll be happy once the three of them get married. Now they come to visit with their spouses and kids and it's like started all over again. When would I ever get to rest?'
'Auntie, you don't have to. Tell them you're tired. They love you and will understand even if they can't help.'
'I know they would but I'm just tired.'

- I went upstairs. Happy to see my family smile at me.

Eight days to go

- Nothing much today. I had a dentist appointment. I wanted to make sure no major issues will come up as soon as I land. It always happens to me, especially when I don't have dental insurance. I've always gone to this dentist. Let's say he's one of the people I completely trust with my health. He was working and I, as usual, manage to get my message across. I gestured 'book' with my hands and he understood I was asking about the book he once told me he was planning to get published.
'Oh, the book? A couple of friends in the national security police took a look and told me it won't get published and would definitely get me into trouble.'
A year ago, he told me that his book was titled 'Egypt: where and where to' and I remember giving him that look to which he replied, 'I know'.

- I went to a shopping street in Heliopolis. I need a purse. I know, I have what you might think is too many, but I really use one or two of them. I'm giving the rest away. Hopefully it will make that girl happy and ease the peer pressure at university. I've been there.

- One thing I'll never cease to enjoy is taking rides with my brother. He's such a cool company and a great driver. Plus, he always treats me to something for the ride; cappuccino and cookies, ice-cream, a slice of cake, a 7-up can, chewing gum, juice, .. anything ,.. just anything he'd bring will make me smile or even laugh the moment he leaves the shop till her reaches the car. I'll miss that for two years. Maybe more??!

- I haven't bought the gifts for my cousin and his wife, an ex-student, and three friends. I haven't gone through the books I need to take with me. I haven't given time for the things I'll remember last minute. I haven't given time to the family good-bye tour I'll have to make! I haven't bought the medicine I might need there. In Egypt, You can walk into a pharmacy and say 'I need vitamin tablets, a 500 mg anti-biotic, a flu medicine, a bottle of cough syrup, and a deodorant' and you'll get all of them easier than you'd get a loaf of bread at the supermarket. I know it's not the case in the US!

Oh, when am I going to start doing all this? Probably while the airplane is being checked for take-off. Don't worry, I'm good at deadlines. That's how I got the scholarship.

Nine days to go

- Went out for a lunch invitation at an Egyptian colleague's house. By house I mean a duplex. She's got a beautiful place in a quiet neighbourhood.
It was all females except her husband. He's a ... a ... hmmm.. nice? no .. quiet? .. not sure .. old? not too old, he's only 52. After a couple of minutes of awkward silence, a conversation somehow started by him asking each one of us what her sign was. Well, excuse me, but this is really one of my least favorite subjects. So, let's say I switched off, although tried to show some interest out of politeness. I just don't see the point of analyzing people based on their signs to know how to deal with them or to decide not to deal with them.

Anyways! So he's 52 and she's 35. Seventeen years of difference? They both said they don't feel it and I do believe them because she's happy. The interesting part was that they met, got engaged and got married in 21 days. Yes, three weeks to make that decision when she was 31 years old. She admits it was crazy, but good crazy. 'It was meant to be,' she said.

So, after lunch, we sat in the living room as the husband went into the TV room to watch football. That makes it:
me and the hostess, (you already know about us),
an engaged 27-year-old girl who was on the phone for most of the gathering (fighting with her fiance or with the tailor),
a 35-year-old girl who thinks men are all "b&^%$#@*" (I insisted she had an issue with Egyptian men and told her she should come to the US where I'll try get her an American, she agreed),
a divorced woman who thinks her marriage failure is her responsibility as well (wrong choice and rushed marriage), and
a 31-year-old British girl who was trying hard to catch up with the loud laughter and gossip of Egyptian women.
In the background there was the maid in the kitchen, enjoying our conversation.

We talked about, well, men, of course, marriage, relationships, and people at work. There wasn't a lot of dirty talk in there, since we were not best friends. Just slight allusions with everyone laughing out loud every now and then.

- I keep thinking about the trillion things I'd like to do in NYC. I just don't know where to start. I also hope that the Egyptian educational system hasn't left too terrible of an effect on me that I end up spending more than 85% of my stay there working or studying. I honestly think I've spent enough time of my life looking at coursebooks and it's about time I started doing more of the things I've never done. I know, I know ... I'm on a scholarship, but that's how I feel now. What's wrong with a B?! Does it always have to be an A??!! I think a B plus more personal experience is worth the A. Don't you think so too?

Ten days to go

Went to the pool in the swimming morning. What? I mean I went to the swimming pool in the morning. Apart from the LOUD music in the background, it is a cool place to spend the weekend at. I got up at 9.30 a.m., started thinking about you. I picked my friend up at 10.30, grabbed coffee and sandwiches from a regular place, and drove off to a Cairo suburb. I had to go to university to collect some money and then to the bank inside to close my bank account.

I got changed and plunged into the water. Wish you were there to take pictures of me, although it sometimes irritated me, but not a lot, I've come to realise. My friend had magazines with her, Cosmo and More. I read about men's fertility, food cravings, women's sexuality, and saw a photo of Julia Roberts, 41, in her bikinis showing her after pregnancy and delivery abs. It's interesting to see her self-confidence. I sincerely hope she's as happy as she said she was in this article. Why did she tell me about the colleague who had a 'little' crush on me. That wasn't wise.

Is it the right thing to do to move on? I think it is. Why is it so difficult to let go? Is it the past we had or the hope for some future? Well, I think it's expected I feel depleted now. I also think it's only fair to let your partner know how you feel and what you want to do. But honestly, I do not know what I want to do now. I have no idea what the new me would be like. I have no clue what to expect in New York. Why is so hard to believe me, to believe that I'm under a lot of pressure, leaving in ten days to a whole new world. I'm not overreacting. I'm trying hard to leave home with the smallest weight on my shoulders. I know I might be wasting a chance, but that's life I guess, things don't always happen the way we want them to. He had all the time he needed to get 'ready', now doesn't see the point of me saying I'm not 'ready', and actually thinks I'm being 'stupid', one of the many things people never said about me.

I wish we could start all over again.

I'm thirty now. Too old to stay with your family any longer, and yet too late for them to hear me say 'Sorry, guys, I can't live with you any more because I need to find myself, that person that you and society have been trying to shape .' Your parents are old enough to need you and now you decide to go. Well, it's one life after all, isn't it? You need to make a choice sometimes. It's a shame when you're not so young any more to allow yourself to make as many mistakes as you want. A friend of mine once told me he wanted his sister to start dating early so that she makes mistakes while she was still young. I never got his point as much as I do now.

I changed my e-mail password to something suitable for the mood of moving to NYC.

My friends are already making fun of the accent I haven't even started recognising. One of them said 'I'll come meet you and we'll have kwofee in Noo Yoik.'

On the drive back to Cairo, traffic was a bit heavy. My friend and I talked about how hard it is to be in a relationship and try to accept to live with someone after you've experienced being on your own for so long. The sound of my brother's fingers frantically playing a computer games irritates me. How would you put up with many things like that in a partner? How is he going to put up with mine?
'Don't they get bored?' I asked.
'I guess they do,' she said. 'But I guess it starts to get really boring the moment they think everything is OK and nothing needs working on. That's when the relationship dies. And still they can live together and give it a try before getting married.'
'See, that's not always an option for every couple.'
We went on talking about why people get married, why others never do, and whether it's a person's right to say, after years of marriage, 'I'm sorry honey, I just met this person and have found true love. I have to go.' She said she was cheated on by a boyfriend and I said I was scared it'd happen to me one day. We talked about having children. My friend would adopt if she doesn't have kids by the age of 35.

I haven't told my grandma I'm leaving. I think she'll pray for me and not cry. I think I would.

It's 1.08 a.m. Still thinking ... about you and the whole thing. You see what I mean?

Fe-mail

Receiving a phone call from a number you don't know at 10.45 pm on your mobile phone as an Egyptian female is something that a family like mine is not used to. However, they stopped expecting me to say who was phoning 'late' after a small to-do that once took place.

- Hello?
- Hi. Did you post an e-mail selling some books?
- Yes.
- I wanted to ask about 'Fe-mail'. Is it good?
Voice not clear.
- It's in a great condition. Like new.
- I mean is it good as a book?
- I did enjoy it. It's written by an Egyptian called Amy telling her experience as an Egyptian female. I found it interesting.
- How much are you selling it for?
- I think LE 15, bought for LE 50.
- Do you speak Arabic?
- I do.
- Ana Amy.
Laughter.
- What do you mean? You're Amy Mowafi?
- Yes, my friends forwarded me your number from the e-mail you sent out. They're teasing me because you're selling my book.
Laughter.
- Well, it's good to receive your call. Tell your friends I've read the book and enjoyed it but I can't take all my books while travelling.
- I will. It's just funny .... (voice not clear. I could only recognize her laughter)
- Well, Amy. I'm so happy you phoned. I could relate to many things in your book. You've got style as well. Keep up the good work.

In the book, she talks about her life. She was once married when very young and she got divorced. The book ends as she meets a nice guy. I remembered all this when she hung up. I wanted to know how it went with Mr Romantic who took her on a trip to Morocco.

Stop it!

Hmmm.. it's hot in here. Turn a/c on. No, my brother has a cold. Pfff.. OK. Sleep a bit more then. No, no, you're not thinking that now. Sleeeep!

Oh, good morning. It's still hot. Alright. Off bed. Let's have a good day. What shall I wear today? No, you're not thinking about it any more. Stop it! It's either you say what you want on the spot or you shut the hell up later..., forever! If you're too nice, fine, stay the same till one day you become 'nice' only without 'too'.

A week ago, I spent two days eating things that are not the least related to each other. My stomach decided to punish me and gave me a sore spot on my lip. To get rid of it, a friend of mine suggested a home remedy recipe.
"Warm half a cup milk and add half a spoon of yeast to it, stir," she said. "Drink it on empty stomach. It should wash your it. I always drink this every morning. It's great for your skin, specially your face." Because I've heard the same advice from two different sources, my mom and my future sister-in-law, I decided to follow it. It's been three days now since I started this habit. The only good change I've noticed is that this half a cup fills me up in the morning. My mom says yeast is full of vitamin B. Let's hope it is... What's all this blabbering about? Why is that important anyway? Stop it!

I received a message from a colleague/friend. We're going to go for lunch or coffee after work. I texted to say I was on my way to work.

The office was busy. It's a non-teaching day, i.e. people are less busy and have more time to chat.

Back to my computer. Still in a bad mood. Can't get what you said off my head. Enter the grades into the system. It's funny how you see students' faces when you see their names. Thirsty. I went on the balcony to get some water.
'Hey, Dan.'
'Hey, how's everything? Have you sorted everything out for New York?' he said in his Yorkshire accent.
'Yes, all set.'
'You'll have a blast. I went their on holiday and I had a great time.'
'I just wish my stipend would allow me have some fun.'
'You can do it. Go with the locals. You know there are cheap stuff there as well. You can even get a message on the street. There is this authentic Chinese tents where you walk in and get a message just like you do in China.'
'Interesting.' I wondered how he manages to get China in every single conversation. He worked there for a while.

Back to work. Starting to feel nervous about the goodbyes. I have to go tomorrow to the traffic department, and get an international license application. Not that I plan to drive there, but just in case.

'Will you be around for a while?'
'No, Caroline. I'm off in half an hour or so. Do you need anything?'
'No, I just thought I should give you this in case I come back from lunch and don't see you. I'm terrible at goodbyes, so I'll see you later, maybe?'
'Me, too.' We kissed and she handed me a card.

Dear N., my neighbour and friend for many years. (the card had a picture of two camel riders in the desert and had a note that this is how Scotland may have looked liked 250 million years ago)
Hope you have a wonderful time in NYC - I know you're going to love it. Do pass on my best wishes to Brad should your paths cross_tell him there's a spare room awaiting him in Cairo if he ever gets fed up with that witch Angelina. I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for you on CSI NooYoik - I insist you try to get some exstras' work while you're there (pass on my best to Gary Sinise too: Mac Taylor - wot a hunk!)
Lots of love, x
Keep in touch. Caroline.

The same card has Carline's boyfriend words as well. He's, .. was, my line manager.

Have a whale of a time in the Big Apple. Sad to see you go but reckon you'll love it and end up staying there for years 'n years. Ant x.

See, this is what I'm talking about. I hate goodbyes. I went with my friend to the shopping mall. I needed .. nothing much really. I just needed to be out. I left work without saying any more goodbyes. I sent a thank you e-mail to all staff. A colleague is arranging a farewell party at her place on Friday. So that should be enough of getting emotional.

Stop it. We've discussed it enough.

I need to send my photo to school to get me ID issued by the time I arrive. I also need to buy a cardigan for the new dress.

At Beano's Cafe. My friend was feeling a bit down as well. I asked her what was wrong and she said 'Nothing, today at work Iman and Rob were back from holidays. They look so fresh. I'm really knackered.'
'You're off soon, starting your new career as a nurse. Only three more weeks of being a teacher and that's it.'
'I know. I just feel lonely when I see couples. Plus, Iman always looks glamorous and I'm actually feeling ugly these days.'
'Will you stop it? Why would you say that? You are NOT ugly. Choose a handsome guy and I'll go ask him if he'd like to have coffee with you.' She laughed out loud. 'You see, you can laugh. That's not ugly. Plus, if Iman is glamorous, that's good for her. It should not affect you.'
'I know,' she sighed. If only she knew why I've ordered a three-layer pancake at 3 p.m.. If only she knew that the stupid $%^^U*% who made her feel ugly and killed her self-esteem was not worth it. If only I could say all what I wanted yesterday! Stop it!

Hang on. I'm starting to feel that hanging out with her so often is making me blue. There's something about her voice, her loneliness, and her facial expressions that's really sad and it's starting to get to me. I'm not going to go on comforting and reassuring her about herself. Plus, she apologizes too many times for things she didn't even do. She kept saying sorry the other day once we were out of the movies. We'd watched 'the hangover' and she took responsibility for the bad choice although it was both of us choosing. She was guilty she suggested it and it was full of 'bad language' I might not like!!
'I'm an adult, you know?' I said. 'And please stop saying sorry for things you didn't do because I really don't know how to reply to that.' I too should stop saying sorry often. I've seen people who say it less to be happier than those who say it more often. So, stop it!

My Presentation

My students thought, that me, as a teacher, should be giving a presentation at the end of the course just as they were going to. Being a democratic teacher, I agreed.

'OK, then. My presentation is after the break so don't be late,' I said.

During the break I prepared the presentation.

'OK, everyone. Before I start my presentation, I want you to promise do what I'll ask you to do.' I said.
'We need to know first,' one student said.
'No, you don't. You simply need to trust me,' I replied. 'I promise I won't ask you to sing or dance. Is that OK?'
They looked at each other waiting for someone to say OK. No one did.
'OK, unanimous agreement,' I said.
They all laughed and started to get exited.

'I'm going to hand you a piece of paper. You need to work with your partner to complete it. You have seven adjectives and you need to mark your choice on a scale from 1 to 10, like we did with that activity yesterday. You have to talk t your friend until you agree on the exact point on the scale. I'm not going to take those sheets or ask you what your ratings were. Ready?'

Worksheet:
I think my teacher is:

1) smart
0 _____________________________ 10

2) fashionable
0 _____________________________ 10

3) arrogant
0 _____________________________ 10

4) funny
0 _____________________________ 10

5) ambitious
0 _____________________________ 10

6) irritable
0 _____________________________ 10

7) patient
0 _____________________________ 10

They started to work together and glance at me every now and then. I didn't hear what they were saying at all.

'Alright everyone. Are you done?' I asked.

Nods, smiles, and nervous yes's.

'How would you feel if you were in my place out here while 16 people are contemplating what they thought about you?'

Horrible, bad, awful, terrible, nervous, and uncomfortable were some of the adjectives they said.

'That's how people feel when they are being judged. PLZ, don't judge people. It's a waste of your time and theirs. It makes them feel bad for no reason.'

Silence.

'Do you think I care about what you thought of me? I do care, but not to the extent that would make me feel nervous while you're rating me. Don't EVER let what people think of you get to you. Appreciate other's advice and only take that coming from people you know for sure care for you. Now we're going to watch a short video and I'd like you take notes as usual.'

Some eyes smiled and some eyes looked confused. That's when I realized it must have been a strong dose. I didn't mean it to be like that. I always saw in them a lot of potential, hopes and dreams most of which will be killed by society's attempts to make all 16 students act and behave in the same way, 'the' only way accepted here.

How to hit a donkey

I had one of my best 'conversation courses' ever. Oh, I'm an English teacher, by the way.

It was a nice group of students, all under thirty, i.e. active and enthusiastic, rather than the mid-thirty ones who usually come to class dead tired after spending their day in a middle-management job day.

On the last day, students were all required to give a two-min presentation.

Ok, everyone. The topic for the presentation this term is 'How to...'. You can choose aaaanything you want: How to be come an astrologist, How to polish your shoes, How to spot a liar, How to make lasagna.. just anything. You'll be under the time limit of two minutes and you'll need to pay attention to what we've talked about before: accuracy, fluency, vocabulary, pronunciation, and presentation skills.


Next class: Presentations:

How to ..

- give a presentation

- be positive

- set goals

- recognize swine flu

- to be a good teacher

- keep your good friends

- spot a liar

- avoid hitting your kids

- hit a donkey


"Hi Everyone! The title of my presentation is "How to hit a donkey". Once upon a time, there was a farmer who had a donkey on his piece of land. One morning, the farmer woke up to find the donkey eating from his land.

'Donkey, why are you eating from my land? Don't do that again'

Next day, the donkey was doing the same thing.

'No, no, donkey. Listen. You take this area of the land and eat as much as you want from it, but don't come near my area.'

Same thing happens the next day.

'Oh, my God. Please people come and help me. This donkey has been eating from my land and I don't know what to do'

Everyone in the village came to see the donkey that wouldn't stop eating from the poor farmer's land.

'Listen, donkey, everyone is really upset with you now. I'll tell you what. You take the bigger piece of land and leave me the smaller one.'

But the donkey just didn't stop eating and the farmer and the villagers were all going crazy. Suddenly, a young boy came with a stick and shooed the donkey away and problem was solved. Everyone was surprised as well as ashamed.

'How could a little boy solve the problem that easily?' thought the villagers. 'And 'WE', big people, turned out to be stupid and ignorant!'

On that same day, the villagers killed both the farmer and the little boy, and let the donkey eat whatever it wanted, for there was no way they would be wrong!"


Silence for two seconds and everyone in class was laughing and clapping for Alaa, a young female fresh graduate. She was laughing contagiously all throughout the presentation.


It was interesting to hear the hysterical laughter drop silent for two seconds before everyone starting laughing again after realizing what she was talking about. I wish people who should reflect for two seconds would just do that.

Pizza or Potatoes?

I had Thursday off, i.e. I had a three-day weekend. It was decided on Wednesday that my family and I would accept my cousin's invitation to spend a couple of days at her summer house, chalet as we call it, on the North Coast of Egypt.

We left Cairo at 1.00 a.m. and arrived 4.00 a.m. Everyone there was still awake. By 'everyone' I mean the following ten people:
my cousin (hostess) + son and daughter,
another cousin, hostess' sister (+ husband and daughter),
another cousin (+ daughter),
and my two uncles (one needy and one likes to joke 'roughly', i.e. using his hands).
Add me, my mom, dad and brother and you've got fourteen people in a three bedroom house.
The more, the merrier? Well, I have to slightly agree. It was a lot of fun. And slightly disagree for some reasons you must have already guessed.
Day one:
1.00 pm. Ten people at the table having breakfast. Yes, you heard it right. Breakfast.
'So, are we having pizza or potatoes for lunch?'
'Pizza'
'No, potatoes'
'No, pizza. You promised yesterday.'
My mom intervened now because she knew that her favorite brother wanted potatoes.
‘Ok, we'll have to design elections and take votes. A man’s vote is worth two of a woman’s or a girl’s.’
Yes, you’ve guessed right. Everyone laughed, including myself. And you’ve also guessed right, my feminist side was itching but I had to just join in the joke.
‘Listen, mama. Everyone will write what they feel like having for lunch and we draw and count. Khalas, it’s that simple.’

1.15 pm
Men are back to the front porch and women are either clearing the table, washing the dishes, or cleaning the kitchen. Me? I was doing the dishes.

1.20 pm
Tea, cake and dessert are served? = more cups and plates for me to wash. I don’t mind, though, as long as I’m doing them while my talkative cousin is eating my ear off with girly chat.

1.40 pm
Finally. I’m sitting down with everyone and having my tea.
‘I want some water to take my pills, baby.’
‘Ok, mom.’ Tea down. Go to the kitchen and bring water. Go back and sit down. Sip tea.

1.42 pm
‘Is there any more of this cake?’
‘Yes, uncle, just a minute. Don’t drink your tea yet.’ Tea down. Go to the kitchen and bring a slice of cake. Sip tea and try to sit down …
1.45 pm
‘Oh, gosh. I forgot to pray the noon prayer. How come no one reminded me? Could you bring me …’
‘… theeeee prayer mat. Sure, …’ Tea down. Go back in, look in every room for the mat.
‘Here, you go uncle.’

1.50 pm
‘Hey, girl, come and sit next to your uncle. I haven’t seen you for ages.’
‘No, no, leave her,’ my mom said. ‘Come and tell Aunt Noura what happened the other day in the kitchen.’
Tea down, sit with the women, tell them what my mom said and did the other day in the kitchen. Everyone cracks up.

1.55 pm
Tea is cold.

2.30 pm
Cleaning the chalet, i.e. women are cleaning the chalet for the afternoon. I won’t get into details but I have to tell you that there were six men around and three messy women.

3.00 pm
Two women are in the kitchen. Preparing lunch??? Whaaat?
‘Mom, I’m not even stepping into the kitchen, what are you doing here now?’ I told my mom under my breath.
‘I’m getting everything ready so that I enjoy the afternoon without worrying about it.’

I took two of the three young females in the house. One glance at them and they understood. We sneaked out with our books and i-Pods to the beach.

‘Do you think it’s OK if I lie down on my back?’ one of them asked me.
‘Of course you can, honey,’ I replied. ‘Go ahead girl, I’ll watch out for you in case a guy comes and checks your bum out.’
She laughs and rests her back on the sand. ‘Oh, that feels good.’

7.15 pm
‘Luuunch is reaaadddyyy eeevvveerrryyyyooooone,’ my cousin shouts around the house.
Where’s Ahmed? Where’s Dina? Where’s …. They keep where’s-ing until everyone was there.

8.00 pm
Men are back to the front porch and women are either clearing the table, washing the dishes, or cleaning the kitchen. Me? I was doing the dishes.

Yes, I did copy and paste from above.

‘I changed my mind, Sara, why don’t you do the dishes and I make tea and get them dessert?’
‘Cool, go ahead.’
8.20 pm
Earphones, running shoes on, back door opened, and I sneaked out. In a house full of fourteen people, you wouldn’t notice the absence of one for half and hour.

Walk, and walk and listen to music and sing. Jog for two songs, no, let them be one. Oh, gosh, first personal goal for September, exercise regularly. You’re thirty now for god’s sake. But you could still talk while jogging, it means you’re not out of breath, you see? Liar, you know you’re not as fit as you could be.

9.15 pm
Hair wet from the shower, towel on my back and tube of foot cream in hand.
‘You know, Oz Oz, I know a great hair cream that you can use to get your hair permed,’ my cousin, auntie Noura, said.
Yes, Oz Oz is the nickname this side of the family decided to give me twenty years ago. Mind you, my actual name has no “O” or “Z” but rather “N” and “R”.
‘Interesting. I’m not thinking about straightening my hair, though.’
‘It’s LE 1,500. Do you know Dalia, Shadia’s daughter, she’s got a much coarser, more difficult hair, and this cream worked well for her.’
‘Really, that’s great, but I don’t like to mess with my hair a lot.’
Ok, so now we’re over the oh-my-god-she’s-taken-the-veil-off phase into how-are-we-gonna-fix-her-curly-hair one. Take it easy! Just smile, they’ll be thinking about pizza and potatoes in a minute.
‘You know what you could also do?’ my other cousin says enthusiastically. ‘There are new creatine products. Have you heard of them?’
‘Yes, auntie, but I just think God chose for me the hair that goes well with my complexion and character,’ I replied.
‘Wise girl,’ she smiles. ‘So, what are we having tomorrow for lunch? Pizza or Potatoes?’

Canataloupe after midnight

Took a shower, put oil replacement in hope that my hair would look the way I want it when dry. We'll see tomorrow.
Having some quiet after a long day. A/C on in my room. We have one in the house. My mom, asthmatic, didn't want one in her room because 'My chest is sensitive and I'll get sick if there's A/C in my room.' She just didn't want me to pay to get a second one installed. But where is she now?! She's sitting opposite me on my brother's bed escaping the heat and humidity in her bedroom.
She brought her pillows, water bottle, and medicine along. Translation: she's sleeping next to me tonight when my brother gets home and kicks her off his bed. My dad is lying on his back on the floor. Give him the most comfortable mattress in the world, this will always be his favorite way to rest.

Eating cantaloupe.
- 'Eh da? Where is the other slice?' mom is asking me. I know where this is going!!
+ 'No, mama. I found one slice in the fridge, and I can't have more,' I say.
- 'Have you eaten the other one?' mom asks dad.
* 'Yes, I did,' dad replies.
- 'Why did you eat it? I wanted your daughter to have it cold.'
* 'I didn't know it was for her'
+ 'Mom, please. It didn't have my name carved in it. Even if it did.. so what!'
- 'You always do this,' mom says giving dad her blaming look.
+ 'Mooom, it's nothing,' me giving her my blaming look.

This morning, I left for work around noon. It was boiling hot and humid. I went down stairs praying the car won't be boiling. Put my sunglasses on before leaving the building. Oh, my. Car shade is up behind the windshield and a small towel is covering the side window to further block the sun. I smile from ear to ear and look up to the balcony to see dad smiling back and waving goodbye. It was him as usual. He did all this in the morning.

It's been half an hour now and my dad has been telling me the same old stories over and over again. He's telling me how he and our neighbor fixed a water pipe this morning and how there was a valve missing and it turned out it had fallen in the other T-shaped pipe. What? No idea what he's talking about.
+ 'Really, dad? Interesting! How did you finally manage to get it out?'
* 'We ... bla bla bla. What are you listening to?'
+ 'Radio. Monte Carlo.'
* 'Wow, the world is a global village now. I remember when I was in the army during the 73 war, I used to spend hours trying to locate a radio wave in the desert and now you're cross-legged on your bed listening to radio online'
That's how my dad always finds a way to digress from talking about valves to war to globalization to carbohydrates to classical music in less than fifteen minutes.

Yes, mom cuts up fruit for me because she wants me to 'have it cold' and my dad shades my car for me and goes out on the balcony to see my reaction and smile in the morning.

They are both asleep now. They are both one reason I survived at some point in my life when everything felt meaningless. They never felt meaningless. Not for a second.

02.07=30 :)

What a beautiful early hour.

02.07+156+157+158+2019+5x5 (still) = 30.

It's past midnight and it's my BIRTHDAY :D Yohoooooo. No, I'm not out celebrating, not making a cake, not treating myself to anything, yet. Instead, I'm completing Form 157 and Form 158 because I have a visa appointment at 1.00 pm in heat of 38 degrees ON my birthday and then I'm working till 9.45 pm. Life is unfair sometimes.

Photo requirements : 5x5, white background, face front, show ears, don't smile. No, they didn't say don't smile, but I decided not to just in case. Product is a 5x5 photo of me literally looking like a silent Bulldog, squint as someone once told me. I was going to be kind and say I looked like ancient Egyptian still statues, but I couldn't help picturing the squint bulldog thing.
I'm going to go out with my brother after work. I'll treat myself to a huuuge caramel cinnamon roll.

Form 156: Have you ever had any training on explosives? Check the box: [No]

On Friday, I'm going to a ladies only resort. Solaris. Sounds nice. I've never been there and have tried to contact them but no answer for some reason. But anyway, two friends and I are ging to turn up and sunbaaaathe and have lunch. I know they'll gosspic a lot, but let's ignore this part. If I decide to hang out with women who don't gossip I'll end up with male friends only.

Form 156: Are you planning to engage in any terrorist activities in the US? Check the box: [No]

Or shall I actually just go for lunch somewhere nice, go to the movies? No, Solaris would be better. Plus I smell a good blog entry coming up Friday night.

Form 2019: Two-Year-Home-Residency. Student exchange program stipulates that you spend two years of physical stay in your country upon completion of your study in the US. (NB: Getting married to an American or giving birth there does not cancel this term) Damn, that was exactly the plan. Pffff.

'I have read and understood bla bla bla.' Sign. But I can go on into a PhD program. Or rather, find a job somewhere else, save money to travel or open the bookstore I'd love to have.

I will not wait till 9.45 pm. I'll have the caramel cinnamon roll on the way to the interview after I have printed out the forms and stapled them top left, as required!!

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I just turned 30.

Outbox: June 29th

I sense from your e-mail that you are 'worried' about me. I am not worried ... I'm freaking out. I am not saying I don't believe in Heaven and Hell. I have no doubt in God's ability to create them just as He created you and me. You're saying "Just remember the life of this world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the disbeliever because WE Muslims seek a better life in the hereafter..." Fine.. so I, without choosing to, was brought here to stay in prison and seek an afterlife. So why not be sent to the afterlife straight away?

I am not a disbeliever. I want to believe using both my heart and mind. My heart tells me that religion is true and it's me who probably doesn't know how to approach it. I am also not one of the scientific minds who wants everything to be experimentally proven. I believe in God although I don't see Him, so I believe in all his powers. It's the questions about why we are here, the choice to be here, the idea of us being here to be tested, etc that tire me. And I can't go back to how I used to be, I'd be fooling myself and going back to taking religion for granted.

I wish I could take your advice and "Just leave it to Allah and practice my DEEN" You have no idea how much I'd love to be able to do that. you have no idea how envious I am of those who have comfort in religion. You have no idea how scared I am of dying before reconciling with myself and religion. Having said all that, again, I don't know where to start or what to do. And again it's not my fault that I started asking and haven't find answers. It's no one's fault actually.

I'd love to hear any advice other than "take it as it is" because I just can't. I also can't take the other advice of "forget about religions and be a good person" because I just can't.
It seems it's either one of these two ways.

Inbox: June 29th

Well let me say this - You are kind of close to say that you do not believe in heaven or hell and I do not want you to do that!!! Please don't - ReallyIn the past I would argue with Atheist in America that did not believe in GOD - Heaven or Hell and they basically say that Satan is a good guy... They are members of the Church Of Satan....In Islam to deny Heaven or Hell is Kufer (disbelief)...The main reason why I became Muslim is that it confirmed things I believed before like heaven, hell, good VS evil etc. and it disagreed things like Shirk and creating things from your own mind etc.You can be happy here with believing in heaven and hell and stayings away from sins to the best of your ability....Just remember the life of this world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the disbeliever because WE Muslims seek a better life in the hereafter...this is nothing that you have not heard before and of course we have freedom to choose which path to take in this life....you said "But I find the path painful. It's not easy or fun, it's worrying and draining."Just leave it to Allah and practice your DEEN....

Freedom

A week ago, I met a new friend or rather ran into it. Yes, it's an 'it'.

I was browsing through Arabic radio stations online and found Monte Carlo Radio, which I had already been introduced to through my father. He used to play it in the kitchen and listen to the news while having breakfast. I was six or seven then. It has changed a lot, ... so have I. But it's kept its Shami/Lebanese accent which I love.

It makes a wonderful world come to me in a fraction of a second away. I loved listening to an interview with Buena Vista Social Club and hear some of their songs live for the first time, hearing my favorite MJ songs in a program about his recent death, getting introduced to Crystle Warren's voice, hearing controversial issues spoken about in Arabic for the first time, breaking the ice with French (for the millionth time) and learning 'quel ca appelle' for 'what's it called' but not knowing how to spell it ... yet.

Have you ever listened to a program and wished you were able to phone in and say something? That's how I felt the other day when listening to a program about a possible future French law banning Muslim women from wearing 'niqaab' or face cover. The radio hostess was so good and managed the conversation so well. The guest, who was a high official in the Paris, sounded like someone who has been trained to state out beliefs even if she was not really convinced by them.

She offered the same logic I've heard before: you have to abide by the law of the country you're traveling to because you choose to be there, which makes perfect sense to me. Those who are thinking about moving to France should understand that it's a secular country and they shouldn't complain once they get there, they can't ask for Islamic law or Christian law to be followed, etc. What doesn't really make sense is how this could be true for someone who was born and raised in France, loves the country, and now feels they have to choose between their religious beliefs and the country they love.

I don't understand how this new law waiting to be passed, is aimed at, as stated by the show guest, protecting those women's freedom and allowing them to have a normal social life. She wondered how they would eat or go out to restaurants with their face covered! And how does a thick-moustached man eat or drink? People manage as long as they are happy. I'd protect them by providing a hot-line which they can phone 24/7 and scream "Plz help, my father is forcing me to cover my face."

Who defines freedom? Is it the freedom of the country to make people do what it wants or the freedom of the people to do what they want?

Don't assume that those women need protection or liberation. They feel the most liberated behind their scarf. They feel liberated just as a woman sunbathing in bikinis does. Ask them!!

I've never been to France and would love to one day. But I know if you ask 'France', she would say that wants those women just to be happy. It's the people who are too scared.

Just let those women be!!

Outbox: June 28th

12:30 pm

Thanks for your support and patience.

I understand what you're talking about. But I find the path painful. It's not easy or fun, it's worrying and draining.

I don't want to have to compare the religions to know that Islam makes more sense. But I also don't believe that the way to prove Islam is right should be by comparing it to beliefs one considers wrong. It should be right on its own and not because it makes the most sense.

I would go on and on this way. To keep it short: I find it hard to believe we're here to be tested and stay away from sins and then be rewarded in the afterlife.

I want to be happy here, I don't want heaven or hell.

Inbox: June 28th

1) 7:36 am
ASA ,
I also pray to God to give me and you strength, guidance, and patience.
Life is not hard and I feel your pain.... But the modern day people are not like the early generations before.... Our tests are much much more harder --- Too much SIN and mis-information around us... My family are on the belief that they will died on the same faith as their parents etc... they never study religion like I do or did in the past... They are like many blind Muslims that do the same... Good people but no mind to even try to understand religions
Everyone is not blessed to be tested like you and everyone does not have a strong mind like yours as well... For me -as I was suggesting to you - whenever I feel pressure - or - doubt I compare beliefs and study the basics of Islam... I know that I will never be a scholar so I do not study the deep subjects or try to understand everything. I think this might be an issue for you?
For me- I try to focus on having a basic understanding of Aqeedah(belief) and Tawheed(monotheism) vs Shirkh (polytheism) ; and to never miss prayer etc...
We did not choose to be here on earth but we are here.... And we must do as much good as we can to get back to the place where our Father(Adam) and Mother (Hawa) were created.... Our enemy from that time only wants to keep us in doubt in his hope to make us to commit - Kufer or Shirkh and not to mention SINS.... This is a test that no one can avoid and I know that you will do good - Insha'Allah
Sorry for being confusing in my e-mails but that is me... :)
O yea, keep making dua'a and spreading that good
J

2) 11:44 am
Hey - we are not from earth - We are originally from Heaven!!! - kind of like aliens but humans... Here for a short period to try to adovid the evil in our souls and that which is suggested by Shytaan... We have our mind and soul and destiny that only Allah knows...
I ask him(allah) to guide us as stated in Al-Fatiha... And allways keep us on the straight path - Ameen
Yea we are not the same people in 2005 but Insha'Allah we will 1 day be better

Take care
J

Outbox: June 27th

ASA Jay,

I've kept looking at your e-mail over the past three days but didn't know whether or what to reply.

I do understand everything in you wrote here but have to admit that I'd have felt it much more a year ago.

Things for me now have gone beyond right and wrong. I'm questioning why we are here in the first place. And if the purpose is to worship Allah, I would love to do that. But I do not think He would need to create people to worship Him.

On my human side, looking at sins, good deeds, human nature, desires, natural disasters, the countless blessings around us, heaven and hell and the afterlife .... etc.. I think to myself "I did not choose to be here in the first place, why was I given a mind to think with the way I am, why was I given desires and feelings, and why million other things?"

You are telling me to go study other religions and then decide. And I don't want to. I just wanted for one religion to be as clear as the sun and that's it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life studying religions and looking for the truth. I know for you it's crystal clear. And I'm sure the truth is clear to your Christian family as well and they might be feeling sorry for you.
Start looking for answers? Where? And in whose interpretation? Consensus? Of whom? Of scholars who wrote their volumes hundreds of years ago? Or of those in the modern world? And which one do you trust? Salafis or Librals? Sunnis or Shia? Sufis or non-Sufis? Which version of Islam? The one in Cairo, Jeddah, Ryadh, London, New York, Morocco, Turkey, Iran?
I truly do not know where to start.

Is this confusion a test from Allah? Well, I really can't take it any more and only He knows what's in my heart. And I didn't choose to take that test.

Is this confusion and sadness a punishment for mistakes I've made? I am weak, human, and not perfect. And that's how I was created. And don't tellme I have the choice. I know I do. But I didn't choose to be here and have the choice and never chose to be human and weak.

I meet people who feel happy for me that I'm questioning my religion. They have no idea how happy I was two years ago when I took it for granted. I was so at peace but don't know how to go back to that peace again. It's a search that has started and not been successful yet. I pray to God to give me strength, guidance, and patience.

I remember very well during group prayers at the mosque some sheikhs saying 'Oh, Allah, You who change hearts, make our heart alwyas set to Iman (faith)' and I always wondered why he would pray that Allah never changes his heart. Now I know. I'm not the same girl you met four years ago. You should be feeling lucky you still pray and feel it. You should always ask Allah to keep your faith in your heart and never test you on that.

Inbox: June 24th

...
Yeah, sisters in general is a toss up-do not know who 2 trust and men are big kids for the most part....
As you know already - we were created to Worship Allah alone....Everything else will be up and down.... Our religion is perfect but humanity is screwed-up.....
Never try to change what has been given to us by Allah and his Profits.... If you feel that Islam is wrong then try to study other Beliefs and this should increase your Iman (faith) .... I come from a christian background and I am glad that this is out of my heart and mind... It only takes me a short visit to my family to see how blind they are from the truth....
After about 7 years of being Muslim my Faith has gotten weak and I started doing sins.... but I never stop believing and hoping that Allah would forgive me......
I am sure that you will have some good experiences in the States and also look at teaching Arabic as a part time job. Ladies there travel all around the world to study Arabic so I am sure you will have many tudents....
Take care and tell me what you think
J

Sunscreen

Baz Luhrmann. Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked…. You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you. Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…"

A biker-to-be

For a change and for fun, I decided to go back to a place I once enjoyed working at. It seems June is not the month to do so, though. Out of eighteen students in two classes, only two smile. Huh? That was not the deal. To be stuck for five hours, four times a week, for four weeks? Well, at least two smile. It's better than over-relaxing at home with my mom receiving/making phone calls from/to my aunts and my brother either on his phone or wanting to talk to me.

I was in class today, the secretary came to hand me a piece of paper.
"Due to the presidential visit of President Obama to Cairo, classes have been canceled on Thursday June 4th. Make-up classes will take place on Sunday June 14th."
Is it a holiday for the whole 80 million population of Egypt?! Obama will be giving a speech to the Muslims of the world from Cairo University in Giza. Only God knows what other security measures, other than keeping people at home, the government is taking. Interesting!? Or Sad?

I went home after the regular hour drive in traffic. I watched the same half of movie I saw yesterday for the same reason. Can't sleep.

It's 10.20 pm and I'm sleepy with BBC Radio 1 buzzing in the background. Trying to do planning for tomorrow's class. So, I'll be teaching them positions.. Noooo, I mean PREpositions as in 'above', 'under', 'next to'. Still doesn't sound right? I mean the target sentences will be 'The chair is next to the sofa' etc...

Just sent an e-mail to a friend telling him about that possibility that I was misdiagnosed with depression for a year when it's "adjustment disorder", which sounds more serious but is less traumatic than depression. I discovered that possibility after a one-hour session with a psychiatrist who assured me that what I had was directly related to my religion questioning and I needed to make a decision and stick to it: choose guilt or reason, or neither. The latter will most probably take me to losing my mind, in the sense of becoming mentally-ill crazy. Hold on, hasn't my counsellor ever read about this whatever disorder?

I just know I'll be fine. Deep inside, I know it. Especially that a colleague at work, when I told him I'd love to have a bike in NY, mentioned that I can get one of those foldable bikes which I could even take on the subway, "although they look ugly, actually," he said. "But not to worry, you'll have a blast." Got excited and checked bikenewyork website.

I still know there's light at the end of the tunnel, unless it's a train coming my way, as one of my favourite professors once joked with me about an assignment.

A bike, yes, I'll get a bike. Not depression and not whatever freakin' disorder.

Pray for me

Dear Mr. Ahmed,

I know it's been so long since I last got in touch with you. It's been pretty hectic, but still I should have phoned you when my heart told me to. I should have thanked you for smiling at me every morning at work, especially when almost everyone was avoiding me because they stupidly thought they were better Muslims keeping their veils on while I was not. To me, you are the true Muslim, never judging, always smiling, never backbiting. There were days when seeing your smiley face in the morning was the only good thing in that day.

Do you remember when I attended calligraphy classes with you? Again, too busy to keep enjoying this. But I have to say, I feel lucky to have attended a whole month with you teaching Arabic. I still use some of the material you gave me. I've never seen someone as patient as you were. Oh, and I still keep the calligraphy pen you sharpened and gave to me. I can't find the small piece of card board on which you beautifully wrote my name. It is green with my name centered in clear black. I didn't want to have a print out to be on my locker, but rather something as warm as your writing.

I do hope you are in a better world now. You've been far from the crazy one for three weeks now. I hope you are still as peaceful as you used to be, as kind and warm as you used to be. Did I tell you I was going to New York soon? I am. Wish me luck on that.

My mom says things happen only when they are meant to. So I assume I was not meant to hear your voice one last time. Yet, I do believe you can hear me now.

I wish you were there at work when I walked in today, just to tell you that it's not the same without you. I will miss you.

I also wanted to see you and ask you to pray for me. I know you can still do.

Love,

Your calligraphy student

One of those days ...

It's one of those days when you walk aimlessly in the streets with your earphones plugged tightly inside your ears so that you hear no noise, not honking, no men hassling. A long daydream in which you walk into a shop, try something on, pay for it and leave. You go home and ask yourself why you bought it and feel grateful it was only a two-dollar item.
It's one of those days when flashes from the past and others from the future keep playing in front of your eyes. When you feel warm simply because your bag fell to the right and touched your leg. Yes, you need a touch that much.
It's one of those days when you get mad at the professor who tells you to re-do an assignment that was lost due to a technical problem and you feel she didn't talk to you nicely and take it all out on a colleague then apologize to him sending him an e-mail later to tell him that you are worried about your trip to New York and actually feel scared already, that you don't want to go because you have a feeling one of your parents might pass away while you are away from them, that you don't want to go because you don't want the new city to change you into a hard person, that you can't bear to stay another year where you are, though.
It's one of those days when you go to work at 9.00 pm and finish preparation in one hour rather than the usual three hours.
It's one of those days when only your father's warm hug might make you feel better.

Issue 18. October-November 2008.

It is one of those days when you wake up feeling "something wrong is going to happen today". That was yesterday and it ended with a minor car accident resulting in no casualties other than my poor front bumper and right side mirror. I know what you're going to say, but I swear it was not my fault. It's the fault of the transparency Egyptians see in the white dotted lines on Cairo streets, which are supposed to mean 'stick to your £%^&$£ lane'. But anyway, let's not get into the top ten things I hate about this city. So that was it for yesterday.

Same thing happened this morning; I woke up feeling 'weird'. I drove my semi-busted car and I was surprised to have been able to not get into another accident although I had no right mirror, which explains why accidents are not as frequesnt as they should be on the streets of Cairo given the fact that more than half the population drive with their side mirrors closed.

It's my weekend but I'm tutoring a colleague. I came to work early to do some planning for my classes tomorrow. I chose a computer out of the fifteen and sat down sipping my coffee and munching my cinnamon roll.

Behind the monitor there was an internally published magazine/newsletter. On the front cover, I saw an A5 up close photo of the ex-girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend. Looking at the date of the issue, I realized that this magazine had been sitting there since November 2008 just waiting for me to decide on one April morning to go to work early and choose that computer and check what's behind the monitor while it started up.

It's amazing how things happen when you don't want them to. And more amazing is the sequence of events that lead to them. Reminds me of the long flashback scene in 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button'. It actually feels the same.

Two months ago, I conducted a teacher training workshop to a group of volunteer English student-teachers. I had changed the day and time. On that day, my brother was going to pick me up. He got caught in traffic and, to avoid harassment, I decided to go up to a near-by bookstore. I walked in to see the face of a friend of my ex-fiance. And of course I realized that I'd see the ex-fiance there although I didn't want to see him again... ever. Although I wanted on that day to tell him how much I regretted meeting him ever, for many reasons, I didn't.

It's fate. And don't tell me you don't believe in it and that you can make your own. It's these little things that tell you that you're not in control. It's also these same incidents that make you think about why they happen and sometimes you realize they occur 'just because' and they happen to you in particular 'just because ... er...'. You realize that sometimes it's not worth analyzing everything. I can't find any explanation why I would see her photo although over two years I only saw her back and a 2" x 2" photo of her. I can't find any explanation I would run into someone I had prayed to God not to see again.

Some things happen when you don't want them to, or you don't care if they do.

For whatever reason, they just happen.

anniversary

A couple of days ago I celebrated, or maybe I didn’t, the first anniversary for deciding to take off my headscarf. And I am telling you, something you most probably already know; time flies. Although this year confirmed my feeling that life is short, it also proved time to be able to take care of things by simply passing by.

A couple of days ago I decided to treat myself to a visit to the hairdresser’s, a new blouse, a ‘shia whip hazelnut scented Body Shop lotion’ (says the label), a new pair of sunglasses, and a breakfast of cappuccino and cinnamon roll. Pay check as you’ve guessed. Sounds nice? Yes, I agree. But nicer is the fact that I meant it and decided that this would be the norm. I don’t know how to describe it but it felt like taking someone you love for shopping just to make them happy.
A couple of days ago I decided to treat myself to … (see previous paragraph) in an attempt to make up for the many mistakes I did to myself.

A couple of days ago I wondered why I chose February 14th to take off my headscarf. I realized there was no reason whatsoever. It was simply the day I decided to leave home without it. I remember I felt cool wind in my hair, a shiver I can’t describe, and a sense of being naked and numb. Looking back I don’t remember the exact moment of decision and don’t know if what I keep telling myself is actually the real reason.

A couple of days ago I decided to treat myself to … (see paragraph 2) to congratulate myself on overcoming what my counselor described as ‘mild’ depression but felt like a constant nonsensical state of daydreaming or déjà vu. It was good to know that ‘mild’ was the clinical diagnosis and has nothing to do with the pain one has to go through because it was not mild. It was a nightmare that made me read about and/or experience things like anti-depressants, placebo, panic attacks, a John Breeding clip that helped me stop stupid, tasteless food, painful smiles, fatigue, loss of appetite, overeating, irritability, inability to concentrate, bad dreams, insomnia, true friends, terrible mood, distant hope, straight A’s, and a Fulbright grant.

I feel old and young, weak and strong, tired and relieved, happy and sad. All at once. All at moderation and none intense. A quiet not yet so peaceful aura has replaced turmoil. Maybe because I don’t imagine losing more than I did. Or maybe because life could be really unfair with or without a reason. Maybe because I’m confident the years to come will bring a new me that has already started to exist.