Ten days to go

Went to the pool in the swimming morning. What? I mean I went to the swimming pool in the morning. Apart from the LOUD music in the background, it is a cool place to spend the weekend at. I got up at 9.30 a.m., started thinking about you. I picked my friend up at 10.30, grabbed coffee and sandwiches from a regular place, and drove off to a Cairo suburb. I had to go to university to collect some money and then to the bank inside to close my bank account.

I got changed and plunged into the water. Wish you were there to take pictures of me, although it sometimes irritated me, but not a lot, I've come to realise. My friend had magazines with her, Cosmo and More. I read about men's fertility, food cravings, women's sexuality, and saw a photo of Julia Roberts, 41, in her bikinis showing her after pregnancy and delivery abs. It's interesting to see her self-confidence. I sincerely hope she's as happy as she said she was in this article. Why did she tell me about the colleague who had a 'little' crush on me. That wasn't wise.

Is it the right thing to do to move on? I think it is. Why is it so difficult to let go? Is it the past we had or the hope for some future? Well, I think it's expected I feel depleted now. I also think it's only fair to let your partner know how you feel and what you want to do. But honestly, I do not know what I want to do now. I have no idea what the new me would be like. I have no clue what to expect in New York. Why is so hard to believe me, to believe that I'm under a lot of pressure, leaving in ten days to a whole new world. I'm not overreacting. I'm trying hard to leave home with the smallest weight on my shoulders. I know I might be wasting a chance, but that's life I guess, things don't always happen the way we want them to. He had all the time he needed to get 'ready', now doesn't see the point of me saying I'm not 'ready', and actually thinks I'm being 'stupid', one of the many things people never said about me.

I wish we could start all over again.

I'm thirty now. Too old to stay with your family any longer, and yet too late for them to hear me say 'Sorry, guys, I can't live with you any more because I need to find myself, that person that you and society have been trying to shape .' Your parents are old enough to need you and now you decide to go. Well, it's one life after all, isn't it? You need to make a choice sometimes. It's a shame when you're not so young any more to allow yourself to make as many mistakes as you want. A friend of mine once told me he wanted his sister to start dating early so that she makes mistakes while she was still young. I never got his point as much as I do now.

I changed my e-mail password to something suitable for the mood of moving to NYC.

My friends are already making fun of the accent I haven't even started recognising. One of them said 'I'll come meet you and we'll have kwofee in Noo Yoik.'

On the drive back to Cairo, traffic was a bit heavy. My friend and I talked about how hard it is to be in a relationship and try to accept to live with someone after you've experienced being on your own for so long. The sound of my brother's fingers frantically playing a computer games irritates me. How would you put up with many things like that in a partner? How is he going to put up with mine?
'Don't they get bored?' I asked.
'I guess they do,' she said. 'But I guess it starts to get really boring the moment they think everything is OK and nothing needs working on. That's when the relationship dies. And still they can live together and give it a try before getting married.'
'See, that's not always an option for every couple.'
We went on talking about why people get married, why others never do, and whether it's a person's right to say, after years of marriage, 'I'm sorry honey, I just met this person and have found true love. I have to go.' She said she was cheated on by a boyfriend and I said I was scared it'd happen to me one day. We talked about having children. My friend would adopt if she doesn't have kids by the age of 35.

I haven't told my grandma I'm leaving. I think she'll pray for me and not cry. I think I would.

It's 1.08 a.m. Still thinking ... about you and the whole thing. You see what I mean?