Outbox: June 29th

I sense from your e-mail that you are 'worried' about me. I am not worried ... I'm freaking out. I am not saying I don't believe in Heaven and Hell. I have no doubt in God's ability to create them just as He created you and me. You're saying "Just remember the life of this world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the disbeliever because WE Muslims seek a better life in the hereafter..." Fine.. so I, without choosing to, was brought here to stay in prison and seek an afterlife. So why not be sent to the afterlife straight away?

I am not a disbeliever. I want to believe using both my heart and mind. My heart tells me that religion is true and it's me who probably doesn't know how to approach it. I am also not one of the scientific minds who wants everything to be experimentally proven. I believe in God although I don't see Him, so I believe in all his powers. It's the questions about why we are here, the choice to be here, the idea of us being here to be tested, etc that tire me. And I can't go back to how I used to be, I'd be fooling myself and going back to taking religion for granted.

I wish I could take your advice and "Just leave it to Allah and practice my DEEN" You have no idea how much I'd love to be able to do that. you have no idea how envious I am of those who have comfort in religion. You have no idea how scared I am of dying before reconciling with myself and religion. Having said all that, again, I don't know where to start or what to do. And again it's not my fault that I started asking and haven't find answers. It's no one's fault actually.

I'd love to hear any advice other than "take it as it is" because I just can't. I also can't take the other advice of "forget about religions and be a good person" because I just can't.
It seems it's either one of these two ways.