One of those days ...

It's one of those days when you walk aimlessly in the streets with your earphones plugged tightly inside your ears so that you hear no noise, not honking, no men hassling. A long daydream in which you walk into a shop, try something on, pay for it and leave. You go home and ask yourself why you bought it and feel grateful it was only a two-dollar item.
It's one of those days when flashes from the past and others from the future keep playing in front of your eyes. When you feel warm simply because your bag fell to the right and touched your leg. Yes, you need a touch that much.
It's one of those days when you get mad at the professor who tells you to re-do an assignment that was lost due to a technical problem and you feel she didn't talk to you nicely and take it all out on a colleague then apologize to him sending him an e-mail later to tell him that you are worried about your trip to New York and actually feel scared already, that you don't want to go because you have a feeling one of your parents might pass away while you are away from them, that you don't want to go because you don't want the new city to change you into a hard person, that you can't bear to stay another year where you are, though.
It's one of those days when you go to work at 9.00 pm and finish preparation in one hour rather than the usual three hours.
It's one of those days when only your father's warm hug might make you feel better.

Issue 18. October-November 2008.

It is one of those days when you wake up feeling "something wrong is going to happen today". That was yesterday and it ended with a minor car accident resulting in no casualties other than my poor front bumper and right side mirror. I know what you're going to say, but I swear it was not my fault. It's the fault of the transparency Egyptians see in the white dotted lines on Cairo streets, which are supposed to mean 'stick to your £%^&$£ lane'. But anyway, let's not get into the top ten things I hate about this city. So that was it for yesterday.

Same thing happened this morning; I woke up feeling 'weird'. I drove my semi-busted car and I was surprised to have been able to not get into another accident although I had no right mirror, which explains why accidents are not as frequesnt as they should be on the streets of Cairo given the fact that more than half the population drive with their side mirrors closed.

It's my weekend but I'm tutoring a colleague. I came to work early to do some planning for my classes tomorrow. I chose a computer out of the fifteen and sat down sipping my coffee and munching my cinnamon roll.

Behind the monitor there was an internally published magazine/newsletter. On the front cover, I saw an A5 up close photo of the ex-girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend. Looking at the date of the issue, I realized that this magazine had been sitting there since November 2008 just waiting for me to decide on one April morning to go to work early and choose that computer and check what's behind the monitor while it started up.

It's amazing how things happen when you don't want them to. And more amazing is the sequence of events that lead to them. Reminds me of the long flashback scene in 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button'. It actually feels the same.

Two months ago, I conducted a teacher training workshop to a group of volunteer English student-teachers. I had changed the day and time. On that day, my brother was going to pick me up. He got caught in traffic and, to avoid harassment, I decided to go up to a near-by bookstore. I walked in to see the face of a friend of my ex-fiance. And of course I realized that I'd see the ex-fiance there although I didn't want to see him again... ever. Although I wanted on that day to tell him how much I regretted meeting him ever, for many reasons, I didn't.

It's fate. And don't tell me you don't believe in it and that you can make your own. It's these little things that tell you that you're not in control. It's also these same incidents that make you think about why they happen and sometimes you realize they occur 'just because' and they happen to you in particular 'just because ... er...'. You realize that sometimes it's not worth analyzing everything. I can't find any explanation why I would see her photo although over two years I only saw her back and a 2" x 2" photo of her. I can't find any explanation I would run into someone I had prayed to God not to see again.

Some things happen when you don't want them to, or you don't care if they do.

For whatever reason, they just happen.

anniversary

A couple of days ago I celebrated, or maybe I didn’t, the first anniversary for deciding to take off my headscarf. And I am telling you, something you most probably already know; time flies. Although this year confirmed my feeling that life is short, it also proved time to be able to take care of things by simply passing by.

A couple of days ago I decided to treat myself to a visit to the hairdresser’s, a new blouse, a ‘shia whip hazelnut scented Body Shop lotion’ (says the label), a new pair of sunglasses, and a breakfast of cappuccino and cinnamon roll. Pay check as you’ve guessed. Sounds nice? Yes, I agree. But nicer is the fact that I meant it and decided that this would be the norm. I don’t know how to describe it but it felt like taking someone you love for shopping just to make them happy.
A couple of days ago I decided to treat myself to … (see previous paragraph) in an attempt to make up for the many mistakes I did to myself.

A couple of days ago I wondered why I chose February 14th to take off my headscarf. I realized there was no reason whatsoever. It was simply the day I decided to leave home without it. I remember I felt cool wind in my hair, a shiver I can’t describe, and a sense of being naked and numb. Looking back I don’t remember the exact moment of decision and don’t know if what I keep telling myself is actually the real reason.

A couple of days ago I decided to treat myself to … (see paragraph 2) to congratulate myself on overcoming what my counselor described as ‘mild’ depression but felt like a constant nonsensical state of daydreaming or déjà vu. It was good to know that ‘mild’ was the clinical diagnosis and has nothing to do with the pain one has to go through because it was not mild. It was a nightmare that made me read about and/or experience things like anti-depressants, placebo, panic attacks, a John Breeding clip that helped me stop stupid, tasteless food, painful smiles, fatigue, loss of appetite, overeating, irritability, inability to concentrate, bad dreams, insomnia, true friends, terrible mood, distant hope, straight A’s, and a Fulbright grant.

I feel old and young, weak and strong, tired and relieved, happy and sad. All at once. All at moderation and none intense. A quiet not yet so peaceful aura has replaced turmoil. Maybe because I don’t imagine losing more than I did. Or maybe because life could be really unfair with or without a reason. Maybe because I’m confident the years to come will bring a new me that has already started to exist.

In my "Inbox"

Hello dear,

I am so happy that you emailed me. I understand that it is not dry or formal, but sometime I myself organize myself better in the written word. Also when we talk face to face we may interrupt each other and lose our lines of thought. I totally agree with you.

Reading your message, I have some thoughts.
First, it came to my mind on the way to Alexandria that you never replied to my words (since i always speak like a machine-gun giving no one room to take the mic :) and only then it struck me that i may have upset you.

I read your email and realize things that I never knew. All I know about your experience about taking hijab off is that the people at the place you worked were really bitchy, you said something about looks from the neighbours and said that your parents and brother especially are OK and fine and understand where you are coming from. That's all I know. I didn't realize that your were preached by others.

I guess my ignorance about this comes from the fact that we have been barely keeping in touch in recent years, and naturally when you said those things to me in the car in Roxy the first time i saw you without it, you were just brief as the moment allowed. Believe me I am totally in the dark when it comes to these feelings and experiences u expressed below.

It is very important to me that you remember that from that day in Roxy till the day in front of berry Cafe, I never really gave you a speech about the matter. Yes, I admit you could sense that my eyebrows were up :), but I asked you out of curiosity "when did this happen?' and similar questions.

Ma3lesh one last thing, please forgive me for getting the feeling that you are confused about hejab. I based it on the conversations we had in the summer about neqab. I made an assumption and I was wrong... forgive me. You told me in the car in Roxy that you had a headache for the diversity of opinions and that's why I kept thinking about it. At times i think what if I had the same confusion, what would be the right conclusive argument.

Believe me I wasn't patronizing you, or painting a picture of the girl who went for haj and seen the light and back to guide the astray. and what i told you was my true thoughts that crossed my mind therein Saudi, not jumping at a chance to preach you dear, didn't realize that you were preached before, I just wanted to answer the question you asked me long time ago about how do we know that hejab is the right thing, that's all.

Discover Islam on your own dear, I am sure you get extra thawab for it. It is also true that nothing is wrong with young people who were bred from birth into Islam without the mental process of disbelief and questioning and then belief, example Osama iban Zaid, and abdulal Ibn Omar. The Arabic below:

ثبت في الصحيح عنه أنه قال: { سبعة يظلهم الله في ظله يوم لا ظل إلا ظله } ومن ضمن أولئك { شاب نشأ في طاعة الله

habibti, No one has the right to be part of this process you are undergoing, because it's between you and God. People should stay away because You NEITHER harm them with hejab or lack-of OR ask for their contribution, advice, or help.

It's unfair that you are prejudiced against because you once wore the veil. What if you were never veiled, no one would then have hovered and hovered, and hammered and hammered on the subject. It is unfair, because what is the difference.

Love for now dear,

Yasmine

One reason I wanna leave Egypt

Today is one of the few days in the year when I go home, walk strait into my parents’ room, say a good evening and say “Do you know what the worst thing you both have done in your life is? It’s teaching us manners.” This is usually followed by a narrative of the incident that triggered my anger and frustration with the way my parents raised me. Today, it was a stupid man at the supermarket who tried to jump line and rudely forced me to raise my voice in a public place for the first time in my life.

Without getting into details of what happened, because it is not really the point here, I have to say that I could have avoided the scene had I asked the cashier to just say who of us came first and not talk to the guy at all. But I had to since he waived hands in my face, shushed me, etc.
It took the usual to calm down. Venting to mom and dad, a shower, dinner, and watching cartoon (Last time it was Ratatouille. This time it is WALL-E).

Two hours later, I'm left alone with my thoughts. Day after day, I'm actually more determined to leave Egypt. You might say "No one leaves their country because of a rude man at a stupid supermarket" and I couldn't agree more.

I want to leave because my brother feels safe walking on the streets any time of day. I don't. He doesn't check his shadow to see if someone is following him. I do. He does not press the central lock the moment he gets into the car. I do. He doesn't pray every day that no one grabs him on the street. I do. He hasn't started the habit of walking with his MP3 on because he doesn't want to hear the nasty things someone might harass him with. I do. He does not get people jump line in front of him because he's a man. I do because I'm a girl. He can answer his cell phone on a cab, the subway, or the street. I don't do that to avoid the double possibility of harassment.

To keep it short and simple, let’s say that one major reason I want to leave Egypt is being "a girl who doesn't feel safe any more." Other reasons are already here in previous pages. You’ll sure hear more soon.

Since I can’t leave today or tomorrow morning, I’ll stay forever grateful for Walt Disney.

Ladies Only Plz

It seems guys that deadlines are my muse. I have a life changing exam in twenty-two days and as usual I’m not studying enough (at all?) Instead, I'm reading a new book, visiting the dentist, chatting with my mom, writing to you, AND started going to the gym! yay...

It is the same place where coach Nour works. The reason I chose this gym was not to check him out. I haven't run into him yet because he's a gym room trainer and I've subscribed for the aerobics only.

I had phoned them three days ago and an Omar said "Why don't you come attend a class for free and then decide?" I accepted the invitation.

I arrived just in time, got changed, and joined in. It was a very good class, I have to say. The coach knew what she was doing and I didn't get bored. It took me around ten minutes to realize that, although it was an "L.O." (ladies only) class, there was a young lady in her mid twenties wearing tight rather see-through white pair of pants, tight pink long-sleeve cotton blouse, and a headscarf. Yes, a headscarf. If you're Muslim you might know where she's coming from. Ready?

Ok, in Quraan there is a verse (24:31) that says women should not show their beauty except to a limited group of people among whom is 'their women'. There are two interpretations for this 'their women': either Muslim women only or women in general. So apparently she believed in the first interpretation of the verse. Which she is entitled to and I'm OK with. I myself used to go to the gym room and exercise with my veil on and it was perfectly fine. What I found interesting was the fact that throughout the whole class, especially during the cool down, she was actually showing more than her hair; her back, stomach, and %^&*$# !!

I finished class and went upstairs to get changed. I have to say that the ladies changing room is one of the least place I like anywhere. Although there was five vacant cabinets where they can get changed, they insist on just doing so in the middle of the room. Well, it's just not comfortable, man! Why do you impose your body on others!! Most of them don't have something to show off actually, which makes it EVEN more uncomfortable.

I then went to the reception check the class schedule and complete the registration.
- Evening, Omar.
+ Evening. How was the class?
- It was very good, thanks. So, I need your help with the schedule.
+ Sure.
- Since you know all classes.. errr.. I have no problem at all with mix-gender classes except with those where we have to use mats.

(Silence and puzzled eyes)

- I mean if it is hip hop, jump in the air kind of thing, cycling, etc .. cool. But lying on the floor with a gentleman next to me .. you know?
+ Oh, I see your point.

He grabbed a highlighter and started marking the L.O. classes and those that match my criterion.

+ We have great Salsa and Tango classes.
- Sounds interesting, but no thanks.

hmm, the guy does not seem to get the point. He gave me a look close to 'how non-progressive old-fashioned'

- You can sign me up for belly dancing, though.

He raised one eye brow without looking me in the eye. After all she's not that ...

In my "sent" mail

Habibty Yasmina,

How's Alexandria? I hope you're enjoying your work and stay there :)

The one and only reason why I'm sending you this e-mail is that I love you, so please keep this in mind while reading.

Yesterday, when we were sitting in your car, I was really touched seeing tears in your eyes. I was touched even more by the sincerity of your words; I know you care for me a lot.

There is one thing that you probably don't realize. Like everyone else who has talked to me about that Hijab issue, your urge to advise me blinded you against whether I want to hear it or not. Actually I don't. And starting today, I won't. You realized the truth behind hijab. Why not let me realize it too for myself?

It's been ten months now since I took the headscarf off and incidents of people preaching me or giving me 'that' look hasn't stopped. This all caused me more trouble than good. People just want to push me to do what they think is the right, to dress like them, to eat like them, to talk like them, etc. This has all given me psychological pressure I won’t get into discussing now. People want to advise, to say what they want at my expense, to get anything off their chest and throw it onto mine. And not in a million year will I comply unless I want to.

I will just do what feels right for me. I've forever taken myself out of stupid fake social frames: "the polite girl", " the girl who drives in the right lane only", "the straight-hair girl", "the future submissive wife", "the honor of the family", "the hijabi girl". I'm redefining myself according to what I want only. I'm going to do this at my own pace and no one else's. Let the rest of the world keep fooling each other and themselves.

Back to the hijab issue. For me it's the least of my worries. Apart from the fact that there's a God out there, I'm questioning every single thing in Islam because I want to understand and base my faith on what I believe, not what family, sheikhs, TV programs, and books tell me to believe. I also know that God gave us brains to use them

I've starting a journey and know that God will give me guidance. Even if I may seem to you and others like someone who is heedless or confused, I know I'll come out a much stronger Muslim than anyone else. I'll have based faith on conscious efforts and not on what’s written in my ID (female, Muslim, single)

Why I'm telling you all this? Because I really care for not having any hard feelings against you the way I do for some others. In no way was this message meant to be dry or formal. It’s just a piece of my mind we never get to talk about because we’re always busy talking about shoes, purses, and men :))

Love xxx

N