It's the soul that matters the most

One of the worst nightmares you can ever have is having to take a cab from Mohandessin to downtown at around 2 p.m. in Ramadan. I got on a cab with the usual intention of:
- not talking to the driver and avoiding eye contact in the mirror
- giving him whatever he asks for
- not answering the phone unless it's a family member (& making it clear that the one on the phone is my brother and not my boyfriend)
- rejecting phone calls when I had to talk in English (not to be charged the double-no sunglasses for the same reason)

The driver kept cursing the car and for about 5 minutes he kept asking her why she stopped every time he hit the brake or the clutch. The traffic wouldn't move and, of course, he had to brake and the car stopped. He got off the cab and hid behind the hood for less than a minute.
He got into his seat and once he managed to start the engine, he changed into a different creature.

He was a bulky guy in his early thirties. I don't remember anything about his facial features other than they being big ,and getting bigger when he speaks louder.

Five minutes later I decided to have one good cab ride.

Driver - Finally it worked. I knew what to do, it's just my damn wife who is driving me crazy.
Me - Why? What did she do to you?
- We're having our apartment redecorated. The damn mentally disturbed painter she hired got paint all over the place although I had asked him to cover the furniture. He even got paint on shoes, mademoiselle!
- Ma'lesh. You'll forget all this when all is done.
- What can I do. When a woman wants something, her head becomes zay el gazma el 2adeema(an old pair of shoes = she's adamant)

We reached 6th of October and cars remained motionless as if they were part of a noisy photograph.



Me - What's all this heavy traffic ?
- It's up to the government to fix this.
- By the way, who are you going to vote for in the next elections.
- If he's still alive I won't go.
- Why not? Don't you want things to get better?
- Elections are nothing but a silly show. I'll tell you a joke
"A man decided to vote in the last elections. He voted 'No'. He later met his friends at the cafe and told them what he did. They told him off and insisted that he should go back and vote 'Yes' if he wanted to live safely any more. The scared guy went back to the voting center and asked to talk to the judge in charge.
I want to change my vote to 'Yes.' I am really sorry about that.
No problem. We knew that it was a mistake and we changed it for you. Don't ever do that again. OK?"

The driver laughed out loud and caused an 8 richter scale earthquake. He kept talking about many other things and of course he took the conversation into What do you do? Where are you from? etc.

We were a couple of minutes away from Tahrir square. By that time I was already calling him by his first name (a thing that I'm sure he appreciated)

- You know, Miss. Beauty isn't everything (= you're not pretty) It's the soul of a person that attracts you. You have a beautiful soul that makes people feel comfortable talking to you.
- Thanks for the compliment.
- It's not a compliment. My wife, for example, is sooo pretty. But ... she's choking me.
- C'mon. I'm sure you love her.
- If I got you your own apartment on Faisal street, would you accept to marry me?
- Really? That would be convenient. I'll of course own it after your wife has killed you on our wedding day.
- (laughing) Wallahi. I'm serious!
- No, ya sidi thanks. I'm fine like this.
- Insha'llah you'll meet a good man 'coz you're really a good human being.
- (Leaving the cab)Thank you, Mohamed. Say hi to your wife :)

Leffi keda!!

• Where are you off to?
- Having iftar with colleagues. Do you think this blouse goes well with these pants?
• Yes, they do? Leffi keda! (turn around)
She smiles & makes a full turn of the kind made by a young girl wearing a new dress for the first time.
• Don’t you think that the pants are too tight?
- Well, I think they’re fine.
• Hmmm, but they make you look (--------)
- No, they don’t. There’s nothing wrong with them.
• I’m a man and I know what I’m talking about. Beige linen pants are not always a good idea ;)
Smile is still there. She goes to her room and changes.
- What do you think now?
• Black is better.
- Ok then. Mashy. What about this scarf?
• You know what? The problem is not the pants. It’s the silk blouse.
- Oh, c’mon. (smile is fading away)
• Really! Believe me it’s too attention attracting (literal translation from Arabic) plus it’s short.
- Apparently you don’t see what girls wear these days. What I’m wearing now is nothing but modest. (putting on her veil and avoiding eye-contact while getting ready to leave)
• I don’t care about who wears worse.
- But I really want to wear this outfit today. (smile is back to avoid a fuss)
She grabs car keys and opens the door.
- ‘Salam!’
• Yes, a quick salam is better. (winks ;)

Top 10 lies an Egyptian woman tells her man

1- Do you know who phoned me yesterday? My ex-boyfriend/husband/fiance.
2- Oh, come on! I don't care about presents at all. You're my real present!
3- Your salary is fine. I would live with you no matter what.
4- You're the first one ever to touch my hand!!
5- Please don't say so about yourself. You are 170 kg and you still look great. I love you the way you are.
6- Your mom is just like my mom to me.
7- You were great tonight.
8- I was with my mom at the doctor's.
9- A rich engineer working in the Gulf is coming to propose on Thursday.
10- You know? Last year I was only 50 kg.

Egyptian Scanner!

A new group. First meeting. You walk into a café in Zamalik and before you know you are inside the quickest scanner you’ve ever seen.
Check list.
1- Are you good looking and sexy? If not very …
2- Your clothes can compensate. How big is Adidas printed on your T-shirt/shoes/bag? Not any…
3- Hmm, you’d better make a noise with your key chain or complain about how hard it is to find parking around Zamalik. No car… ? Avoid transportation topic because you might have to say you took the subway or even worse a micro bus.
5- In case key chain is unavailable, then it’s time for your cell phone to do something about it. If it cost you less than $ 500, better keep it in your pocket.
6- Your next option is your language(s). Use English to show off, especially a good accent. French is to make it clear that your family is well-educated and rich. You don’t speak any!
7- Arabic is okay if you negate with ‘mish’ instead of ‘ma + -sh’ .
E.g.: “mish bashrab shisha” instead of “mabashrabsh shisha” (I don’t smoke shisha)
Caution: If you are a guy, don’t overdo it, unless you mean it!!
8- DO NOT walk in with a book in your hand, or talk about politics, religion, or literature. You’ll be seen as complicated poor bookworm (not mistaken here for ‘sophisticated’). Degrees are OK as long as they are either international or from the American University (AUC)
9- None of the above. Don’t give up, especially if you like one in the group. Where you live is one of the most effective strategies. I should have mentioned it earlier, actually. Don't throw it into the chat unless you live by the Nile, in Mohandessin, Zamalik, Garden City, Heliopolis, Dokki/Agouza (a good part) , Maadi (preferably old Maadi or Degla), certain new areas in the outskirts of Cairo, Nasr City (esp. if by a big mall). Any place not mentioned here… Sorry … your sitting with the wrong people and soon you’ll be kicked out.
10- Wait. There’s hope? Any of your parents not Egyptian? Good for you! Say a word in their dialect, people ask you, your fine!

If any of these don't happen, you are sitting with foreigners. Last week I found out that a non-Egyptian friend, who I had known for two months, had a PhD in nuclear physics. He was not the one who told me and doesn’t even know that I have this piece of info about him. My non-Egyptian best friend had become my best friend before I knew he could fly airplanes, speak 4 languages (maybe more!!), and visited at least 15 countries. I would have known all this Day 1 if he were an Egyptian!!

Salman Rushdie

After two weeks of trying to arrange for this meeting, he could finally come and talk to me. I had just arrived home after a long day at work but couldn't have rejected the chance. He is considered 'by my brother' to be a knowledgeable open-minded scholar (sheikh) who would be able to answer all my questions!

He sat on the balcony with my brother, shutters closed. I sat on a chair behind the shutters where we could hear but not see each other.

He talked to me in a warm confident voice that patiently welcomed my questions.
Chose to you this part of the meeting:


1- My first question Sheikh is very simple: If a man and a woman commit fornication, the ruling in Shari'a is the same for both.
-That's right. (he recites verse 24:2 which means that both the sinning man and woman receive the same punishment.)



Are they equally forgiven insha'allah if they repent?
- Of course. (and he recites the beautiful verse 39:53)


Does the man have to tell his future wife about his past relationships?
- NO. Why would he reveal a sin that Allah has covered for him? Doesn't make sense?

Does the woman have to tell her future husband about her past relationship?
- (pauses) YES.

Haven't they both repented? What is the difference?
- She has to tell him. If she hides this surgically it'll be considered deceit.

But 'why would he reveal a sin that Allah has covered for him? Doesn't make sense?'
- She has to pay for what she did and know that she also might have to give up some of her dowry or so.

Sheikh, you know how big a nightmare this can be for a woman in a Middle Eastern society? and religion actually asks her to forget and says that it's not the right of the future husband to know anything the woman doesn't want to reveal?
- (getting a bit frustrated) She has to submit to the fact that she is physically and anatomically different from a man and this is her fate.

Frustrated myself, I decided to move on to the next question.

2- My second question Sheikh is regarding the death penalty for people like Salman Rushdie. Why is his life sought for writing a piece of fiction?



(Sheikh's words are his and not Islam's.)