My mom heard the news and sent my dad to tell me.
You never know how they feel until you lose one the way they did.
I see her smiling at everyone. I see her delicate body dancing at a wedding. I see her talking to me when I ran into her on the subway. I see her twenty happy years gleamining in her eyes. I see myself in her place.
And now she is gone. One cousin instead of the other would have been lost. That simple.
Oh God, I am not ready to meet You. I am just not. Please do not take me unless You are happy with me. Do not take me unless my heart is as pure as snow. Do not take me now. I need your guidance and do not know where to look for it. I am tired and have never ever been that tired before. I really cannot take it any more. I feel the whole world on my shoulders. I lost my smile, the taste of everything, and do not want to lose myself.
You know me better than I know myself. You know how fragile I have become and how weary and confused I have been. I never doubted Your presence and never will. I feel it in every breath I take. If all that is happening to me now is because of something I did, please forgive it and make me forget it. If this is all a test, I am unable to bear it. I do not want to hear them talk about You. I do not trust anyone anymore. They all claim to know the path to You and I just dislike their voices. I need You to help me find You and know that I will never have peace again unless You give me guidance. Only You and no one else.
Only you can rest her soul.
3 comments:
I am so sorry to hear about this. May you and your family find some peace...somehow...
What a beautiful and sincere prayer. I do hope some kind of clarity finds you. Sorry about your loss.
My condolences. I am sorry about your loss. And I have no doubt that your heart is pure as snow, it is one of those obvious things bestowed for all to see, except for yourself. And he sees it better than anyone.
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